What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
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If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.