That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
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[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
Travel bloggers during quarantine
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
A family that plays together cheats.