People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
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If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian