B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
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Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
That’s what I call a flat tire
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.