“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
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I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper