me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
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How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.