I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.

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A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants


BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..


My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”


HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date

ME: kill?

HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect

ME: we are talking out loud


*gets on 1 knee*
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack


According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast


“What an awesome body-”

Oh… thanks. I work out-

“- of research.”

– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.