How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
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bought wrong eggs
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day