You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
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If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.