it was love at first sight
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[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
SF is the wild wild west man
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”