Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
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Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
fair
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
My spirit animal is fried chicken
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”