Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
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Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*