The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
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My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
NOT all policemen are strippers.
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
Are we there yet?…
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
😅😅😅
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry