interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
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The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
The internet is full of many things
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
I want this so bad
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.