Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
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A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
When the stylist spins you back around
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
Me checking my bank balance online.
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.