Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
You Might Also Like
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
Pretty much. 🤣
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
I am crying
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help