Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar![]()
You Might Also Like
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
A drum solo but on your face.
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.