Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
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ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.