bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
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If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
Love this one 😂🧟
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?