My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
You Might Also Like
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”