Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
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My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
Me: *all four burners going, two pots boiling over, oven beeping, being burned by grease splatter*
8yo: Mom!! You’re not even watching my cartwheel!
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off