Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
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Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
they finally got him. they got macavity
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team