Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
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My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
Always.
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My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood