At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
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Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.