Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
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*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
I don’t get marriage
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.