“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
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Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.