Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-

Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!

I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself

*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit

Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.

Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re

Behind every robot that turns evil is an engineer who specifically installed red LEDs into the eyes just for this scenario.

If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.

HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!

One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.

I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.

If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?

Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.

Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship

Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*

Therapist: You’re late again

Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH

[Chopped episode]

“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”

Me *opening Oreos*

“Clock hasn’t started.”

Me: There’s cookies.

“Those are for your dish.”

Me *munching*
There’s cookies.

It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.

Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.

Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage

[making out on couch]

me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉

date: yes 😉

me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand

[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]

me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked

Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*

How to lose a gf:

Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*

*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.

Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.

[produce section, grocery store]

Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?

Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.

Thankfully, these political ads will be over soon, then we can move on to the civil war stage

No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.

Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.

I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over

😂

Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.