Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
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Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
Not messing around
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?