Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
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Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ