“So here’s a bit ab how the interview process will work:
1. initial phone screening
2. in-person interview
3. American Ninja Warrior course
4. fight to the deathIf you have any questions ab this or the low-paying, entry-level job opportunity, pls don’t hesitate to ask 🤗.”
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NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
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Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
If we’re not supposed to be snacking late at night why is there a light in the fridge
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.