If we’re not supposed to be snacking late at night why is there a light in the fridge
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Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
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Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
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Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance