I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
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*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
Krampus.
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.