Krampus.
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God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
Welcome
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.