When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
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My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
boat question
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
somewhere, in an alternate universe
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.