Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
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Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
That’s a good costume, I hope.
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
Beware of the dog..
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.