Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
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There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
Sign at work today
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.