Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.

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Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.


If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.


Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?


According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.


If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.


Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store

Cashier: …why are you telling me this?


Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.


I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.

I should be back in about eight days.


Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.