Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.

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“Can I borrow your charger?”

Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*

“I meant for my iPhone.”

Me: Oh, hell no.


Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.

I’ll get you a towel.


Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”


Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan


boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen


She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.


[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”

BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!

“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”



STEP 1: buy a recliner

STEP 2: buy some beer

STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods


guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point


Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?

Girl: Hehe sure baby

Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself