@HomeProbably “Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
@OBiiieeee Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
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@HomeProbably 
@Grommit56 Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
@Social_Mime Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
@Matt_The_1st Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
@DuckhouseMedia boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
@2tickytacky She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
@Book_Krazy [quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
@iamburtjarvis HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
@theDapperilla guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
@MarfSalvador Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself