I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
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What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
🏙👨🏼
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.