CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
You Might Also Like
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
i prefer mine room temperature.
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office