Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
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[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
Become a minion. Get that bread.
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry