Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.

I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party

my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.

nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end

Can’t stop laughing

I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.

was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”

gonna boost my morale by cracking jokes in front of my juniors

My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?

*(whispering)they’re both the same

When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.

When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.

FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die

At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game

My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”

Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.

You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.

If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.

*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*

Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died

I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.

invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book

*watching any crime show*

He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.

My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..

Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.

Me: How so?

Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?

Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.

Producer: Get out.

I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up

My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”

Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.

PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.

Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice

Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.

Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’

Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’

Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.

she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”