Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
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Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
somebody come look at this
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.