I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
You Might Also Like
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.