Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
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Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
next level snooze
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”