Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
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Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
LMAO
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
Mmmm canned fish.
i’m sure it’s fine
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails