Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
You Might Also Like
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people