“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
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Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
Brands during Pride
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.