To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
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Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
looks legit
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.