Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
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boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus