Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
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Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
RT if you could go either way.
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
much to think about