A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
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Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
You deplete me
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all