The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
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I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…