I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
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starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?