could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
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“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
Oh. My. God.
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…