Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
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That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.