I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
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Damn what did I do next
Cats (2019)
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
me, after any kind of buffet.
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture