[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
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*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”