I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 馃槶馃槶
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I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
paddle faster i hear baby shark
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you鈥檙e saying.
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can鈥檛 stress enough, it doesn鈥檛 matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I鈥檇 like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
People: it鈥檚 important to limit your children鈥檚 screen time
School System: y鈥檃ll heard about virtual learning?
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.